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Mr. Walkenborough, Your "story" on the visit of Sultan of Sadwa, published in the special issue, is full of filth! Your attention to the details of the courtesans in the Sultan's harem and those eye scorching photographs of those harlots of hell have left undoubtebly many a god-fearing subjects of Queen Victoria mortally wounded by your transgressions. Yours, Mrs. Elisabeth Saggybottom Dear Mrs. Saggybottom, The Imperial Observer is renowed for its unyielding dedication to truth and objective journalism. The story you refer to contained nothing else than a faithful representation of the Sultan's visit and a description of his court.
Dutch settlers are doing away with native settlements near Harare to clear space for new farming land as the growing population demands more and more high quality agriculture products. Mr. Rupert Topofhishat III, our reporter at Harare, reports that natives are happy and delighted to leave their traditional hunting grounds and the burial sites of their forefathers in order to show their allegiance to the crown of king of Netherlands (depiction of the caravan journeying inward is shown below).
When asked to comment, the chief of the local tribe had this to say "Uohahaa, k'haa", which loosely translates as "We come back, we kill" to which the local detachment of Dutch musketeers responded with several pounds of lead. |
The hostage standoff between the British Empire and the native state of Azande culminated in a brave rescue attempted by the expedition led by Sir Barnaby Flatbottom-Notworthy III. The expedition set of from Fort Vigilant over a tendays ago (shown in the photograph below)
to punish the Azande for taking hostage the botanical exploration team led by Dr. Glasstone. The exploration team was sent to investigate the rare herbs found only near the heartlands of the Azande state. Rumours tell that the originally friendly Azande become agitated after a large scale bush fire that broke off after Dr. Glasstone's unfortunately set the dry, tall grass to fire with his magnifying glass while examining the flora. The Azande took their hostages to the native village of P'ská, which is enveloped by a very thick and tall grass. This tactical advantage exploited by the untrained Azande troops eventually became the downfall of the Sir Flatbottom-Notworthy's well-armed and disciplined troops. The rescue expedition was forced to move along the corridors trampled through the tall grass, which hindered the effective range of the superior English weaponry down to a disappointing level. The English expedition aimed to concentrate its troops in an outflanking maneouver that would have taken them through the center and then the right side of the village. The original battle plan was executed with a clock work accuracy for the first moments of the battle as the expedition made its way to the central clearing near the village. The Azande troops had taken positions inside and around their precious village. A number of musketeers and warriors were kept in hidden in reserve waiting to pounce on the English. |
Despite the superior military tactics of the English, the battle degenerated into series of shoot-and-run attacks by the Azande musketeers. Their reckless dashes towards the unyielding rows of 33th Grange Hill Foot regulars and Umbobo Native Constabulary soldiers cost the English dearly as the terrain hid the savages right until the last moment thus preventing the English from making use of their vastly superior firepower. The terrain eventually bogged the English expedition down. The unsure footing and limited visibility resulted in slow maneveouring through out the English forces, while the Azande warriors and musketeers made great speeds through the tall grass. One of the surviving Umbobo constabularies told us that the Azande moved like dervishes through the grass "They moved like it wasn't there at all!"
The public fears even more for the safety of the botanical exploration team. Although the Azande claim that they are well treated and have supplied as with the photograph below showing Dr. Glasstone and his wife Mary-Ann in good health, there is growing suspicision of savage treatment. One rumor goes even as far as to say that Dr. Glasstone and his wife aren't supplied any afternoon tea!
Special feature Using advanced satellite digital photography technology captured using our exclusive time machine technology, we are able to offer our 19th century readers a special feature: The battle sequence of the Amazons of Azande defy Her Majesty's Army |
The
Azande's led by their Amazon Queen Azumba (shown in the picture on right)
made masterful use of their home territory. The fearless Azande were
ready to exchange their lives to the lives of English - the daredevil
attacks witnessed by the troops were reckless to the point of stupidity.
"No soldier in his right mind would take part in their lunacy!"
exclaimed Sir Flatbottom-Notworthy. The disrespect demonstrated by his
adversary for the conduct in war situation forced Sir Flatbottom-Notworthy
to abandon the battle field.
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